Last night we sort of had to force ourselves to watch something. We’d been up early for a 5k and it had been a long day. We choose The Woman in Black, a 2012 film starring
Harry Potter Daniel Radcliffe based on the book by Susan Hill. The premise is that a down-on-his-luck widower is dispatched by his law firm to clean up the papers of a dead client. In a creepy-ass house in a creepy-ass village full of creepy-ass people.
Oh Boy! I get to go first this week! It must be my birthday! I missed yesterday’s movie due to me going and playing poker with some friends and taking their money, but this movie more than made up for it. Screw you with your randomly disappearing/reappearing creepy old woman face! This movie had me making noises under my blanket that sounded like Peter Griffin having sex for the first time in anticipation of what was assuredly going to be the next scare. Unfortunately, the only thing that kept me going was the waiting for the next scare just so I could swear at it again. Harry Potter could have been playing Pinocchio for how wooden his performance was, and I really have no idea what the story was about because it just didn’t seem to make a lot of sense to me and was just uninteresting in general. I had no attachment to Harry Potter’s character and was wishing that he would just die so the movie would end. Scare factor is the best we have seen yet, but otherwise, a shitty movie.
I read the book by Susan Hill a couple of years ago and it scared the vajazzle out of me. Like almost too scared to turn the page kind of terror. So, honestly, I’d been avoiding watching the movie. How can a film be simultaneously boring and sphincter-puckeringly frightening? It must be some sort of wizardry. The film differs from the book in significant ways, but captured the atmosphere of Eel Marsh House perfectly. One thing that I thought was better accomplished in the book was the sense of how desperate the guy’s financial situation was and how much he needed to hang on to his job. It’s the only way his refusal to get the hell out of that mind-fuck of a house makes any sort of sense. Was it scary? Jesus fuckballs it was scary. Not only did I cower under the Afghan of Doom, I also put my fingers over my eyes and squinted, so I could only see a blurred slit of the horrors onscreen. He probably didn’t mention it in his review, but Dana was still scared when we went to bed, thinking he saw the Woman in Black in the corner of the room. My big bad Marine told me “I hate you for making me watch that.” I have to agree with him on that.