We have some really promising scary movies in the queue thanks to great recommendations from friends and readers. But, I was still too traumatized by Sinister to watch anything intense. So I will take the blame for last night’s choice: John Dies at the End from 2012. It stars some people. The premise is that a very funny writer for Cracked.com (David Wong) wrote a weird book which became a weird movie.
I think they were going for a Buckaroo Bonzai vibe here. But they missed. I gave zero fucks about the characters, the plot, or anything. I laughed when a doorknob turned into a penis and the titular John got a handful of johnson, but that was the highlight. I think this was tagged horror because there are lots of gross things. But it was about as scary as an episode of Care Bears. It was the sort of film that two stoned 12 year old boys would dream up. Here’s how I imagine it went down:
“Dude! Then the doorknob turns into a dick!”
“Huh-huh-huh, that’s awesome. And then like this slug has teeth and is all like rawr!”
“Hahaha. Sweet. Oh yeah, and we need tits. Like, an army of tits.”
“Yeaaaah, that’s good. We should write this down.”
I award no Afghan points for this.
John Dies At The End. I wish I could have died about 10 minutes in in order to stop from having to watch it. I think the concept of the movie could have been pretty good, but either because of the dreadful editing, script, acting, or director, it just fell apart. It was hard to tell where exactly you were in the story narrative because of all the jumping around in the timeline the story did. I blame the headache I have today completely on the quality of this movie.