No, I had never ever seen Hellraiser before. The trailers–back in 1987–scared the hell out of me, and I am more drawn to suspense than slashers. So this was my first date with Pincushion, or whatever his name is. The premise of this Clive Barker classic is that a dude (name of Frank) comes into possession of a weird puzzle box that is basically a demonic Rubik’s Cube. He fucks with it and gets dragged into some weird sub-basement of torture and pain. It’s a place where Pinhead reigns. Then, the dude’s brother and sis-in-law move into the family home. And he’d been banging his brother’s wife and so when some accidentally spilled blood begins to regenerate Frank he convinces her to bring him fresh meat to feed on and complete the process.
Wow, has there ever been a film more tailor-made for sex and violence angsty teenage boys? It’s visually repulsive and full of sex scenes. It’s as if Clive and his buddies learned how to do fantastically disgusting makeup effects so they filmed the bloodiest, fleshiest, most goo-tastic shit they could dream up and then linked the scenes together with a daisy chain of sex. Julia, married to Larry but boinking his bad boy brother Frank, is so cock-addled that when a puddle of goo in the attic snaps its nascent fingers she seduces strange men, brings them back to her lair, kills them and gives them to Puddle Boy. So they can, y’know, “be together.” She has a lot of fuck flashbacks so that we can grok her motivation.
So that’s all stupid and repellent. But then the real fun starts when Larry’s (he’s the cuckolded husband) teenage daughter somehow gets hold of Pinhead’s Cube and super gross shit chases her and P summons his posse of nasties: Wire Face, Fat Slug, and Clickety-Clack Teeth.
I hated this film and gave no shits about any character or what happened to them. I think this movie sucks eighties dong, but I did cover my eyes because I’d reached maximum gore. Ergo, I am forced to give it a three-quarter Afghan of Doom.